at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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