I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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