The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize