Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize