I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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