Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
