i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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