i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
