When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
