Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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