when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize