man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize