You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
