i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
