If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
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