I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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