I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
