This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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