well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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