i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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