You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I touched a dick in church today
Randomize
