Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
