Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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