Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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