I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
