better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
