Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
