if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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