i was born a porn star she said
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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