He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
