My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
