four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You pole danced in your parka.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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