She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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