We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
