yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
