my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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