I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
