I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You ruined the universe
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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