I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
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