PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
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