Sry I called you an 8
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
