Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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