That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
you had me at cake vodka
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
