this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
