yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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