Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
