I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
