dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
