How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
