You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
