Soap is not a condiment
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
