I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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