I looked at my own cervix.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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