she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
