i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
