Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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