I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
