don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize