I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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