You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
