found the other keg... it's in the tree
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
